So, a large part of my days have been spent facing things I normally avoid, not realizing how many freakin problems and stress I create for myself unnecessarily. My goal this week was to pick one thing, and one thing only to face head on without turning the other way.
You haven’t heard me talk much about my family because it’s a pretty sensitive topic. On the real, shyt can be really phuked up sometimes and I feel like I’m the parent and sole person responsible for a 57 year old mom , a 32 year old brother that has no real example of what a man should be a 17 year old niece who my mom and I raised since she was 4 months. These people have caused me so much stress, anger and at times loss in my own life that I have totally detached myself emotionally and in a lot of ways physically from them. I’m not sure if I can ever get the emotional and paternal connection with my mom back. I care for her, but I can’t remember mother/child relationship. There’s a numbness there. My sense of family is kinda phuked up. I pretty much keep to myself, me and my daughter well I sometimes feel we are more sisters, and it’s really sad sometimes I have to catch myself on that now that shes a young lady. I’m the one that could really care less about getting together on holidays or birthdays or whatever because that shyt really doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. I’d much rather be doing something else. A ‘holiday’ is just another day. Naya sees and understands I’m not that type but I do it for her. I know all of this comes from somewhere but I never really asked myself why I didn’t get excited when the opportunity to gather as a family group came about. That could be a number of reasons…
Perhaps it’s because I have no real sense of home really? I wasn’t close to my dad, and the things I did see of him where things no child should ever see in the home but, whatever. My mom was no saint either and whom I often times feel was the catalyst in the majority of their battles. Regardless, I honestly don’t feel like I can pick up the phone and rely on my dad to be there for me when I need him…even for ear to listen. Nevertheless, I feel as though I have no safety net in family. I fall, oh well. Do you know how scary it is to live your life feeling like you have no foundation of support? Ok well I actually planed on starting a video blog but this was partially already written. And I’m so not feeling well right now night
