April 7th marks the day I turn 30. It’s the coolest thing ever because I’ve made it this far in spite of all of my circumstances and mistakes. My life of unicorns, rainbows and rumplestilskins could be described as a crazy saga of ill happs, beautiful lessons, meds, depression, sex, alcohol..you know, lol. I vowed to tell the truth in this blog because I know that through my truth others can relate, ( they won’t admit it but they do) connect and hopefully be inspired. This is about my journey to self, not imitation sugar sprinkled on bullshyt pie. If that’s what you want, sorry.
I’m not gonna lie; my mood hasn’t been the best over the past weeks approaching my triple deck mark. I;ve been a nightmare to myself! Lol Been kinda distant from everyone, avoiding any and all birthday plans and phone calls sitting on the floor in my closet…anything to avoid the unavoidable. I’ve running with quick speed like a crack head on red bull trying to keep busy from myself. Introspects have a tendency to pick and dissect mentally. Wise indeed, but that shit can drive you crazy sometimes. I’ve been totally exhausting myself just so I can crash hard every night and avoid my own pillow thoughts. My feelings I chose to ignore hoping they would subside because I knew I figured I was ‘just trippin’ again. On some emotional shit. This too shall pass I openly profess every morning.
Wanna know something real? That shyt hasn’t and I’m pissed off about some things that I need to address. I realize that at this time I’m not just in one of my moods or depressed for whatever reason. My inner truth is speaking to me. A voice that started as a whisper, “You know what you need to do.” Hard-headed child wants to be superwoman so inner truth says, “Bitch you better listen.” No more whispers. “It’s time to pay attention if you truly want to be happy cause you know you aint. Stop frontin B!” Honestly, deep at the core of it all I am not fulfilled.
I’m think I’m loyal and integral. Very. These are my everyday goals yet they have often led to my own detriment in the past. To remain true to my promises and be the person that others need has kept me stagnant in some areas of my life. Wanting to do you isn’t much of an option if you’re a RESPONSIBLE parent that adores your family and are willing to do what it takes to keep it in tact. My Daughter don’t have a father figure and my willingness to choose life has left me with the ultimate task of giving them the benefits of a two parent home as much as possible. There’s noting that can equate to the presence of a good and honorable man in our lives, but I do what I can with what I have and pray the rest works itself out.
Bottom line it’s time to do what I need to do to foster my creative soul and live for my passions and dreams. Writing, art, photography, music…I starve for creativity and do what I can to express it and in turn satisfy my fix, hence this blog among other things. But now it’s getting to the point where stupid things are sucking up my time and energy leaving little left to dedicate to my crusade. I realize now that it’s not about WANTING to be a business owner, it’s not about WANTING to build my company to the point of emancipation and freedom, it’s not about WANTING to strengthen my skills or offer my creative brain and ideas to the world and tasting a satisfaction in my work greater than sex. It’s not about WANTING to give more and want less…live a lot and wish a little…love reciprocally and cry less. All of things I NEED. Truth: I’ll never be 100% satisfied until MY needs are met.
If someone asked me what makes me happy I honestly couldn’t tell them a straight answer because I never took the time to think about it. Joke’s over! I’m about to go in a totally different direction and shock the shyt out of most, except for my true friends that have been telling me what I didn’t want to hear all along. It took my 30 years to listen to truth but at least I’ve done it. Now it’s time to figure all of this out. And that truth be told, I’m willing to tear ALL of this shit I’ve built up down just to get to the heart of it all.
