I won’t lie and say that moving along with life as usual without someone that I felt I needed and needed me is going to be easy. This was what I was afraid of though. Breaking away from a close bond for the sake of healing yourself is hard. Actually, this year has been hell for me in that regard because I just can’t seem to get it right. If you date a guy for three months and have sex with him and it’s wack you’re disappointed. If you date a guy that is your polar opposite for the sake of doing something different you soon realize that the two of you have nothing in common just like you knew to begin with. If you give too much you lose someone you care about because you feel a certain way. If you don’t give enough you are selfish. If you give the same something else is fucked up…like the psycho baby momma that hates your guts because she thinks you stole her man. lol I’ve been threatened with screwdrivers, knives, fire! I mean, WTF? Now I am all out of answers and back to square one yet again, minus one of the few friends I thought I had. The thing I hate is the time vested into something that leaves you empty handed with just a lesson learned and a slap on the wrist. 2011 slapped the shyt out of me and told me it is for my own good lol. I’m tired of so many damn lessons. I’m that kid in class watching the clock praying for the dismissal bell that never rings. One can’t help but to wonder the why behind the why and what it all means. I’ve asked, and the only answer I get is to write. Same thing I’ve been getting for years, and years…and you guessed it…YEARS. God forgive me but sometimes I just want a hug and an outing (with someone I like back) without sitting in this house writing my heart away. Don’t get me wrong, suitors ask but I don’t mess with those fools because I already know. Sometimes I think I am too wise and good for my own good. Knowing to much leaves a funky taste in your mouth and makes you wish that some days you could just be stupid as hell and oblivious to what’s happening in the world around you. As much as I’ve tried to clarify and find the answer and meaning to it all I’m just not getting it and am unsure of which way to go but on my own. Perhaps that’s the way it’s meant to be but…I don’t like it. In fact, I’m starting to get funked. But what can you do but smile big, pay close attention to your thoughts and direct them toward happiness as much as possible by giving yourself everything you need and love? That’s all anyone can do. But I still can’t sleep at night.

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