1. Realize your own worth. Avoid comparing yourself with others. Each of us is special, because we are different one from the other.
2. Set your own goals based on what is important to you, not what others think is important. Only you know what is best for you.
3. Treasure the things that are closest to your heart. Cherish them as you would your life, without them life is meaningless.
4. Live your life one day at a time, in the present, each day to its fullest. Don’t let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future.
5. Be relentless when you have something to offer; never give up. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
6. Embrace risk; don’t be afraid. We learn how to be brave by taking chances.
7. Love deeply, freely, and with all your heart. The quickest way to receive love is to give love; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
8. Live your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope; to be without hope is to be without purpose.
9. Slow down. Don’t run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savoured, each and every step of the way.
10. Surrender to your destiny; have faith that it will unfold as it should. Choose to be happy, at peace and one with the universe.

In fact, I think so much that I am often accused of over analyzing things and preparing for the almost impossible possibilities.  I can easily find myself overwhelmed by my own thoughts to the point of tears.  It happens to me far more than I like to admit.  I also have miniature panic attacks and temper tantrums and shut people out and give up on things, only to start them over and over again.

The truth is…

As great as I think I am at writing, I never believe I am great enough.  And honestly, I blame myself for that condition.

Because every once in a while I succumb to it.  I stop writing and start spending hours doing lots of other things that do nothing but reenforce that inaccurate perspective.  It’s a demon all creatives battle.  The demon that says: “Please, you can’t be serious.  No one is going to read that.”

Most of me doesn’t care if anyone reads what I have to say, but we live in a world that thrives off of acceptance.  We live in a world that teaches us that if the masses don’t have their eye on you, immediately – you are worthless.  We live in a world that teaches us to find a way to fit in and stand out simultaneously.  Every now and then, the world wins.

I’m not gonna lie; my mood hasn’t been the best over the past weeks approaching my triple deck mark.  I;ve been a nightmare to myself! Lol  Been kinda distant from everyone, avoiding any and all birthday plans and phone calls sitting on the floor in my closet…anything to avoid the unavoidable.  I’ve running with quick speed like a crack head on red bull trying to keep busy from myself. Introspects have a tendency to pick and dissect mentally.  Wise indeed, but that shit can drive you crazy sometimes.  I’ve been totally exhausting myself just so I can crash hard every night and avoid my own pillow thoughts.  My feelings I chose to ignore hoping they would subside because I knew I figured I was ‘just trippin’ again.  On some emotional shit. This too shall pass I openly profess every morning.

Wanna know something real?  That shyt hasn’t and I’m pissed off about some things that I need to address.  I realize that at this time I’m not just in one of my moods or depressed for whatever reason.  My inner truth is speaking to me. A voice that started as a whisper, “You know what you need to do.” Hard-headed child wants to be superwoman so inner truth says, “Bitch you better listen.” No more whispers.  “It’s time to pay attention if you truly want to be happy cause you know you aint.  Stop frontin B!” Honestly, deep at the core of it all I am not fulfilled.

I’m think I’m loyal and integral. Very. These are my everyday goals yet they have often led to my own detriment in the past.  To remain true to my promises and be the person that others need has kept me stagnant in some areas of my life.  Wanting to do you isn’t much of an option if you’re a RESPONSIBLE parent that adores your family and are willing to do what it takes to keep it in tact.  My Daughter don’t have a father figure and my willingness to choose life has left me with the ultimate task of giving them the benefits of a two parent home as much as possible.  There’s noting that can equate to the presence of a good and honorable man in our lives, but I do what I can with what I have and pray the rest works itself out.

Bottom line it’s time to do what I need to do to foster my creative soul and live for my passions and dreams.  Writing, art, photography, music…I starve for creativity and do what I can to express it and in turn satisfy my fix, hence this blog among other things. But now it’s getting to the point where stupid things are sucking up my time and energy leaving little left to dedicate to my crusade. I realize now that it’s not about WANTING to be a business owner, it’s not about WANTING to build my company to the point of emancipation and freedom, it’s not about WANTING to strengthen my skills or offer my creative brain and ideas to the world and tasting a satisfaction in my work greater than sex.  It’s not about WANTING to give more and want less…live a lot and wish a little…love reciprocally and cry less.  All of things I NEED. Truth:  I’ll never be 100% satisfied until MY needs are met.

If someone asked me what makes me happy I honestly couldn’t tell them a straight answer because I never took the time to think about it.  Joke’s over!  I’m about to go in a totally different direction and shock the shyt out of most, except for my true friends that have been telling me what I didn’t want to hear all along.  It took my 30 years to listen to truth but at least I’ve done it.  Now it’s time to figure all of this out.  And that truth be told, I’m willing to tear ALL of this shit I’ve built up down just to get to the heart of it all.

You have to be humble. Don’t demand for a person to have a college degree if you don’t have one yourself. You’re unemployed yet your mate has to make 6 figures a year? That’s not fair at all. There’s a difference between preferences and bullshit demands. Don’t demand what you can’t bring to the table as well. It’s also very rare that you’ll find the “perfect” person. If your list of the perfect person has 10 items on there, aim for 7 out of the 10. It’s very rare that you get all 10. And even if you were to get all 10, there’s going to be an unlisted flaw that you will have to look over. Everyone has flaws. You have flaws. Maybe if you look over the small things, you’ll see the bigger picture. Then you will be able to accept a person for who they are, and not for what they have.

Unrealistic expectations. What makes the search for companionship a headache is expecting way too much from someone. Quit expecting the best out of someone if you’re not at your best. Especially in relationships. Men complain about not being able to find the right woman, yet the first thing they look for in a woman is her ass or tits. Then you got our women, trying to find Mr. Right by checking out what type of car he drives or his bank account. You are going backwards and destroying it for the deep soul seekers out there. You’re always looking for the perfect relationship, but you end up looking for the wrong qualities to fulfill one. The goal is to find that perfect someone who will make our lives a better place to be. Not a better place to “look at”. Superficial things are only good for admiring. And not for nothing, big tits, big ass, big dick, big elbows, big eyebrows, big money, big ears will run it’s course and will not matter when it comes down to upstanding a healthy relationship, being a great parent, or even merely keeping someone interested in you. It’s unfortunate that we don’t realize “perfection” runs two ways. In order to find that perfect somebody, we must believe that, whatever “perfect” is, we have already achieved it. No one can give us what we don’t already have. Mr. or Mrs. Right can’t be to us what we’re not. If we’re unhappy, unfilled, not pleased about who we are (ie: low self-esteem, insecurities & etc.) we owe it to ourselves to stop looking.

You haven’t heard me talk much about my family because it’s a pretty sensitive topic.  On the real, shyt can be really phuked up sometimes and I feel like I’m the parent and sole person responsible for a 57 year old mom , a 32 year old brother that has no real example of what a man should be a 17 year old niece who my mom and I raised since she was 4 months.  These people have caused me so much stress, anger and at times loss in my own life that I have totally detached myself emotionally and in a lot of ways physically from them.  I’m not sure if I can ever get the emotional and paternal connection with my mom back.  I care for her, but I can’t remember mother/child relationship.  There’s a numbness there. My sense of family is kinda phuked up.  I pretty much keep to myself, me and my daughter well I sometimes feel we are more sisters, and it’s really sad sometimes I have to catch myself on that now that shes a young lady.  I’m the one that could really care less about getting together on holidays or birthdays or whatever because that shyt really doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.  I’d much rather be doing something else.  A ‘holiday’ is just another day.    Naya sees and understands I’m not that type but I do it for her. I know all of this comes from somewhere but I never really asked myself why I didn’t get excited when the opportunity to gather as a family group came about.  That could be a number of reasons…

Perhaps it’s because I have no real sense of home really?  I wasn’t close to my dad, and the things I did see of him where things no child should ever see in the home but, whatever.  My mom was no saint either and whom I often times feel was the catalyst in the majority of their battles.  Regardless, I honestly don’t feel like I can pick up the phone and rely on my dad to be there for me when I need him…even for ear to listen.  Nevertheless, I feel as though I have no safety net in family.  I fall, oh well.  Do you know how scary it is to live your life feeling like you have no foundation of support? Ok well I actually planed on starting a video blog but this was partially already written. And I’m so not feeling well right now night

I go through this at least three times a year, you know – the hole break me down and build me back up stronger thing. But this time around it was a little different, as each of these instances are since there is a different lesson to learn each time. I was so busy focusing on the instruction that I had been neglecting to stop and check in with the Head instructor. Let’s discontinue if you think I’m going in that direction. The one where I flip to some seriously religious plane while thumping a Bible thicker than my head. Nah, not the point and that’s not really my style. I just think that as individual partakers in humanity we all have a spiritual element present and alive in our lives. Good, evil, dormant, active…whatever. Things only become real when you acknowledge them and harness their power to work for and through you.

I plucked my arm and am trying to begin the process of rebuilding my faith. Faith in my family, people, myself and most importantly the ONE that trumps them all. This bug out session may not be my last, but it’s definitely the last of its kind. Especially since I’ve been reminded that there is Freedom in my Faith.

With that said…

Hmm, my love life.  I don’t know what the hell it is.  The men that approach me usually have some overbearing flaw that I just can’t get past, like a crooked eye or a psycho ex-wife or baby mama that hasn’t quite “let go”.  Sure, the cases aren’t always that major but it seems like every guy I meet that wants me I pass, and the men I connect with typically have a major problem better known as the WIFE, FIANCE, LIVE-IN GIRLFRIEND or all of the above. I refuse to play second best at this point in my life, and I know it won’t be like this forever…so like a good little gal I just take care of family, work.  Some boring a** $hit if you think about it.  I am bound to lash out.

There are times when I really want some action, and there are also times where I just want to be left alone so I can meditate and shimmy my hustle.  Can I have my cake and eat it to?  The more I think about turning over to a cool pillow vs. a warm torso every night the more I panic on the inside. WHERE IS HE? I feel like God is saying, “Shh, shhh , shhh.  Not yet, you’re still growing.”  But sometimes I am really not trying to hear that , LOL.   A sister has needs.

For the past two and a half years I’ve convinced myself that there were things I needed to work on personally in order to attract the man I felt I deserved.  Raising my stock, if you will.   But I am impatient as hell.  I want love, I want TO love, I want to get my brains sexed out every night and have dinner and wine with our coupled friends.  And as I am embarking on my 30^th Birthday the thought of true love once again crosses my mind.  I wonder if I’ll ever have the opportunity to give and receive what I’ve dreamt about.   Is it really all up to me? If it were then I’d be having great sex with my wonderful lover/friend right now instead of blogging, right? lol. Seriously though,  when it comes to the prospects I feel like I’m a circus ring leader in charge of a bunch of clowns. I don’t know what will come of my love life at this rate, but I thought you might like to hear. night everyone.